Shallow

Man I feel so frustrated. Unfortunately I can't express it without sounding judgemental toward some people which I'm really not trying to be as my frustration is in generalities, so at the risk of offending some friends let me explain myself.

Basically I really feel that we have such a shallow Christianity here in Britain (and in the West in general). I'm finding cell groups at church to be so unchallenging, like I'm perpetually covering the same things over and over. Hebrews 5 says:

12In fact, though by this time you ought to be teachers, you need someone to teach you the elementary truths of God's word all over again. You need milk, not solid food! 13Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. 14But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.
There's no way to discuss this without sounding arrogant, but I real feel like I'm being given milk over and over and I really want some solid food! And I feel like churches never seem to get past giving out milk to everyone. Obviously we want everyone in the world to receive it and find the gospel, but I feel like church rarely knows what to do after that. For those of us who have come through it all and feel we could lead the message we're being brought it can get frustrating.

The other thing is that we discuss things in such a detached way. For instance, being poor. We talk about it in church like students are poor and discuss that, but let's face it - none of us have any idea what real poverty is. When have we ever had to go without food, or not had clothes to wear, or a house to stay in? Never! We discuss issues like beauty and wealth like we don't have them when we live in the west! WE HAVE THESE!

I'm just really keen to find a deep, life changing Christianity. I swear that we should be people who own nothing beyond basic clothes and food, who spend our time changing the lives of those in need around us. And the truth is I have literally no idea how to do this. Right now I just really want to find people who feel the same, that will enter into this kind of endeavour with me.

Christianity follows a man who owned nothing, had nowhere to live, who was hated, who had "nothing beautiful or majestic about his appearance, nothing to attract us to him", yet used his life (and his death) to the benefit of anyone who was nearby. I really wish I was that, and I think as the church we should all be aiming to be that.

I really don't know how to express more of the frustrations I'm feeling but I hope that gives a slight taste of the tip of it. A frustration to see a radically different world where Jesus walks and talks in us.

Waiting

I seem to manage to have spent a lot of my time lately chilling out (/procrastinating) on silly websites, usually part of the cheezburger network. These and webcomics I quite enjoy following, but I think I spend too much of my life looking at this pointless trivia, which whilst funny, adds nothing to my life and probably only distracts me from worthwhile things I could be doing.

But I also spend time looking at more personal ones. MyLifeIsAverage (MLIA) is great fun, with people's stories of something interesting happening (Much better than FML, full of depressing stories of what's gone wrong); but there are also some really poignant ones, like sixbillionsecrets and postsecret, where people leave their secrets that they feel they can't tell others. MakesMeThink (MMT) is quite profound too, with people's life experiences, from quirky to outright heartbreaking, that really make you stop and think.

Two of my favourites continue to inspire me to be a better person, and remind me that there is good in this world, even amongst all the tough stuff we have to go through (and I recognise that I am someone who experiences little of that). GivesMeHope is great, sharing about people's kind, selfless actions for others around them - friends, family and even strangers - and each day I look at it I am challenged to be a person more like that, who forgets themselves for the good of those around them. LoveGivesMeHope also leaves me with heartache - a website sharing some of the stories of people who's love has lasted for decades, through great struggles and beyond death. I always find myself longing when I leave that site, the stories there really touch me.

It's weird though, because I find myself caught between a 'now' and a 'then'. In the now I am challenged to be selfless before my friends, family, and yes, even strangers, but in the now I also don't have a wife, kids or grandkids to love. So I titled this post 'Waiting' because I can't wait for that moment. It sounds really weird (and some would probably say girly, but I suspect thats not PC) to say but these sites leave me longing for the girl I'll one day get to call my wife, because I can't wait for how much I'm going to love her and how much I want to do for her. I want to make all those romantic gestures, and sacrifice things for her benefit, and love her until we're old and wrinkly and can't walk up stairs faster than a snail. And I can't wait for kids to love and teach and show the world to, holding while they sleep and laughing with when they play games and looking after when they fall out with friends and so on. I honestly can't wait for that. And grandkids (can't imagine that one so much, but I bet it will be amazing too!).

So it's weird because I can't wait for, and really long for, these amazing life things that you can't rush. And I'm eager to make sure I don't try. I believe God has the right girl out there for me somewhere but, in the words of Michael Buble, I just haven't met her yet. The challenge then is to not rush into something with just any girl (not to say the girls I know are just any girl) but to make sure I wait for the one He has, because I believe that all of this stuff will come naturally with that.

This post has been a bit random, I know, but I just wanted somewhere to say out loud some of the things I occasionally think and feel, because I don't currently have that girl to share it with. So I will go on waiting, because anything that good is well worth the wait :-D

Breaking in

Every now and then God breaks in and it rocks.

I've just had one of those kinda experiences looking through a couple of friends blogs and being reminded that He is at work in so many deep and amazing ways.

I wanted to relay a conversation I had the other day, since this is the place I write these kind of things. I'm having an up and down time with God, just cause I'm forgetting to spend time with Him as often as I know would be good.

Anyway, I was at home and when I'm at home I kinda end up neglecting time with God, probably because I'm completely out of any kind of schedule. But I was at home one evening with nothing to do (I hate that it takes me having nothing to do to remember to spend time with God, I should be prioritising it) so decided to go out to the park and spend some time praying about whatever I could think of. I don't necessarily have any sort of plan when I do this, I just kinda go for it. It starts with "what should I pray about?" and struggling to start, but then once I start praying for something I realise all the other things that there are and think "I don't have time to pray for all of this!" So I was praying for my friends and family back home, for what God has done in some of them in the last year and for what I'm petitioning Him to do in others and so on. But in the midst of it we just ended up going off on one.

I don't think too many people (especially outside the church) consider prayer to be a conversation but this definitely was. Not in the sense that I could hear an audible voice, but I knew what He was saying. And it's just odd cause it was in the midst of talking about other stuff that this, completely different topic, arose. But it's cool that God interjects in the midst of real life.

So the issue in question was that of singleness. And that's what was impressive - it is a key area and God chose to speak to me about it in the midst of me talking to Him about other stuff, because I give Him space to move.

I spent some time recently crushing on a friend of mine. No details, but that's all it was - there's nothing happening with said girl but sometimes it's nice to nurse feelings for someone. But actually that's kinda an issue - I knew there wasn't anything there but wanted to let myself develop feelings for her because it was nicer than not having anyone.

And God has challenged me on that. The challenge was this - "If I asked you to be single for the rest of your life and dedicate yourself to My Kingdom would you do it?" Wow. How to answer that, I thought to myself. Because I have to be completely honest, that sounds like a rubbish request - I like girls, I want to get married some day and have kids etc. "But would you give it up for Me and the Kingdom if I asked you to?" Well, You know best and there's nothing more important than Your Kingdom, but do I really have to give up those things? I'm not sure I want to commit to that... I ended up on a whole theoretical conversation with Him about how if I didn't, wouldn't the work of His Kingdom still get done since He's sovereign and not dependent on me, etc, and how getting married and having kids is as valid a use of my life as giving all of that up and pursuing just the work of His Kingdom, but I had to come back to the first question. If it is what He asked of me, would I do it? Unfortunately there is only really one answer you can give to God in a situation like that. Yes. "I really don't want to to be honest with you Lord, and as hard as it is for me to say this, Yes, if you ask that of me I would do it". And it wasn't said with resentment, because that's not really saying it properly. It was said with faith and trust, knowing that He knows what's best for me. As really hard as it is to say, and let's not forget that, it is sooo hard to say yes to, I would say yes. Fortunately, He hasn't said that as such yet. But His challenge went further. "Have I made it clear who I have for you?" No God, you haven't. "Then unless I make clear to whether I have someone, you should live as though I have called you to singleness". Ok. Wow. So it was this challenge to assume that I am called to singleness and to live that way, unless God makes it clear that He has someone for me and who that someone is.

I can't say I'm finding this easy to live up to but I'm on the way there. Because the thing is I've been living in the assumption that I'm supposed to find someone and so I've been looking at every Christian girl as a potential partner, and weighing up how we might work together, and nursing feelings for individuals, etc, etc instead of trusting God with it all. Of course a problem I've just recently realised with this is I might end up with someone I shouldn't and I'd always be wondering if I got with them because I was impatient, etc, and have missed God's calling, etc.

Instead, I should be living assuming that I'm called to singleness and that none of the girls I know or meet are potential partners. Then if God should be to make someone clear to me then I would know and always know.

So yeah, that's where I'm at, that's what God has given me a big challenge on recently. Live as though you are called to singleness, unless He makes it clear that someone is for me, instead of trying to work out who out of every girl I know is for me.