How should we be?

So I've been challenged to go deeper with God recently, to really step it up a notch in how my relationship with Him looks.

I've found myself in an interesting quandary since getting to uni.
See, if I'm honest with you, I find it easy to think that I've got it sorted as a Christian, that I'm doing pretty well. I mean, I can point to things that make it look like I must be on track and generally great - like 3 years with Youth For Christ. I mean I must be doing well to have achieved that. However, stuff like that is a load of rubbish.

I've felt more challenged about stepping up in my walk with God since coming to uni than I think I ever did on YFC. Not to say that I never felt challenged on YFC, I did, a lot. But this is different. This is like next level stuff.

Before, I felt that I needed to grow in things and I definitly feel that that has happened, but I've reached a point now where it feels like I need to do one of two things - take the next step and level it up, or walk away from it all.

I've been wrestling with what God about His power at work in the world and feel like that is the conclusion I have reached. Because I don't see Him at work in the ways that I think He should be. I don't see miracles in my life, I don't see healings, I don't see Words of Knowledge and so on, but I believe I should. Not because I think I should see them because I'm me, but because I think as disciples we should see them. Jesus and the disciples ministries and the life of the early church was soaked in this kind of stuff and yet I don't see it. So I feel that I have reached a point where one of two things is the case - either God is not there (and so I walk away), or I'm so far from where I should be as a disciple (and need to step it up).

As an aside, that walking away part sounds so tempting. It's so easy, there's all those lures of a pleasure based life that I could succumb to, and Satan keeps reminding me of that. I have felt more tempted by that kind of stuff recently than I think I ever have. Thank God that I have a strong foundation in Christ and in the Church, that I know going for this would not be worth it, no matter how appealing it became.

So I'm left with trying to work out how to step it up. If I want to see miracles, healing, etc but I'm not, what about me needs to change? And I really feel that God's been talking to me about this. I went to a day conference thing called Jesus Culture a few weeks back and that was all about this, and ever since it's constantly in my head and I feel challenged about it everywhere - in conversation with other Christians, in church, in my own prayer times.

But this part sucks because it requires me to drastically change. Y'kno there's the general growth we need - like reading our bibles more, praying more, etc - but this is something else. If I want to see this kind of stuff not only doI need to pray for it, etc, but I need to start seeing, creating and taking opportunities for it. If I want to see healing then I need to pray for people who are sick or injured. If I want Words of Knowledge for people then I need to pray for them and then actually speak to them about it when I feel I have something.

So this is why I'm in a hard place. On the one hand I know that I need to start this kind of stuff. Spending time praying about it then actually going out to try and see it happen. On the other hand, if I don't, the only real option is for me to walk away from it all, which tempting as that may be, is not allowed to happen.


It makes me wonder though. How much more powerful would the Church be if we all thought about it like this. I mean I suspect many would take the second option. But if they went for the first, really too discipleship seriously, wouldn't that rock the world just like back in the first century?