Breaking in

Every now and then God breaks in and it rocks.

I've just had one of those kinda experiences looking through a couple of friends blogs and being reminded that He is at work in so many deep and amazing ways.

I wanted to relay a conversation I had the other day, since this is the place I write these kind of things. I'm having an up and down time with God, just cause I'm forgetting to spend time with Him as often as I know would be good.

Anyway, I was at home and when I'm at home I kinda end up neglecting time with God, probably because I'm completely out of any kind of schedule. But I was at home one evening with nothing to do (I hate that it takes me having nothing to do to remember to spend time with God, I should be prioritising it) so decided to go out to the park and spend some time praying about whatever I could think of. I don't necessarily have any sort of plan when I do this, I just kinda go for it. It starts with "what should I pray about?" and struggling to start, but then once I start praying for something I realise all the other things that there are and think "I don't have time to pray for all of this!" So I was praying for my friends and family back home, for what God has done in some of them in the last year and for what I'm petitioning Him to do in others and so on. But in the midst of it we just ended up going off on one.

I don't think too many people (especially outside the church) consider prayer to be a conversation but this definitely was. Not in the sense that I could hear an audible voice, but I knew what He was saying. And it's just odd cause it was in the midst of talking about other stuff that this, completely different topic, arose. But it's cool that God interjects in the midst of real life.

So the issue in question was that of singleness. And that's what was impressive - it is a key area and God chose to speak to me about it in the midst of me talking to Him about other stuff, because I give Him space to move.

I spent some time recently crushing on a friend of mine. No details, but that's all it was - there's nothing happening with said girl but sometimes it's nice to nurse feelings for someone. But actually that's kinda an issue - I knew there wasn't anything there but wanted to let myself develop feelings for her because it was nicer than not having anyone.

And God has challenged me on that. The challenge was this - "If I asked you to be single for the rest of your life and dedicate yourself to My Kingdom would you do it?" Wow. How to answer that, I thought to myself. Because I have to be completely honest, that sounds like a rubbish request - I like girls, I want to get married some day and have kids etc. "But would you give it up for Me and the Kingdom if I asked you to?" Well, You know best and there's nothing more important than Your Kingdom, but do I really have to give up those things? I'm not sure I want to commit to that... I ended up on a whole theoretical conversation with Him about how if I didn't, wouldn't the work of His Kingdom still get done since He's sovereign and not dependent on me, etc, and how getting married and having kids is as valid a use of my life as giving all of that up and pursuing just the work of His Kingdom, but I had to come back to the first question. If it is what He asked of me, would I do it? Unfortunately there is only really one answer you can give to God in a situation like that. Yes. "I really don't want to to be honest with you Lord, and as hard as it is for me to say this, Yes, if you ask that of me I would do it". And it wasn't said with resentment, because that's not really saying it properly. It was said with faith and trust, knowing that He knows what's best for me. As really hard as it is to say, and let's not forget that, it is sooo hard to say yes to, I would say yes. Fortunately, He hasn't said that as such yet. But His challenge went further. "Have I made it clear who I have for you?" No God, you haven't. "Then unless I make clear to whether I have someone, you should live as though I have called you to singleness". Ok. Wow. So it was this challenge to assume that I am called to singleness and to live that way, unless God makes it clear that He has someone for me and who that someone is.

I can't say I'm finding this easy to live up to but I'm on the way there. Because the thing is I've been living in the assumption that I'm supposed to find someone and so I've been looking at every Christian girl as a potential partner, and weighing up how we might work together, and nursing feelings for individuals, etc, etc instead of trusting God with it all. Of course a problem I've just recently realised with this is I might end up with someone I shouldn't and I'd always be wondering if I got with them because I was impatient, etc, and have missed God's calling, etc.

Instead, I should be living assuming that I'm called to singleness and that none of the girls I know or meet are potential partners. Then if God should be to make someone clear to me then I would know and always know.

So yeah, that's where I'm at, that's what God has given me a big challenge on recently. Live as though you are called to singleness, unless He makes it clear that someone is for me, instead of trying to work out who out of every girl I know is for me.