Breaking in

Every now and then God breaks in and it rocks.

I've just had one of those kinda experiences looking through a couple of friends blogs and being reminded that He is at work in so many deep and amazing ways.

I wanted to relay a conversation I had the other day, since this is the place I write these kind of things. I'm having an up and down time with God, just cause I'm forgetting to spend time with Him as often as I know would be good.

Anyway, I was at home and when I'm at home I kinda end up neglecting time with God, probably because I'm completely out of any kind of schedule. But I was at home one evening with nothing to do (I hate that it takes me having nothing to do to remember to spend time with God, I should be prioritising it) so decided to go out to the park and spend some time praying about whatever I could think of. I don't necessarily have any sort of plan when I do this, I just kinda go for it. It starts with "what should I pray about?" and struggling to start, but then once I start praying for something I realise all the other things that there are and think "I don't have time to pray for all of this!" So I was praying for my friends and family back home, for what God has done in some of them in the last year and for what I'm petitioning Him to do in others and so on. But in the midst of it we just ended up going off on one.

I don't think too many people (especially outside the church) consider prayer to be a conversation but this definitely was. Not in the sense that I could hear an audible voice, but I knew what He was saying. And it's just odd cause it was in the midst of talking about other stuff that this, completely different topic, arose. But it's cool that God interjects in the midst of real life.

So the issue in question was that of singleness. And that's what was impressive - it is a key area and God chose to speak to me about it in the midst of me talking to Him about other stuff, because I give Him space to move.

I spent some time recently crushing on a friend of mine. No details, but that's all it was - there's nothing happening with said girl but sometimes it's nice to nurse feelings for someone. But actually that's kinda an issue - I knew there wasn't anything there but wanted to let myself develop feelings for her because it was nicer than not having anyone.

And God has challenged me on that. The challenge was this - "If I asked you to be single for the rest of your life and dedicate yourself to My Kingdom would you do it?" Wow. How to answer that, I thought to myself. Because I have to be completely honest, that sounds like a rubbish request - I like girls, I want to get married some day and have kids etc. "But would you give it up for Me and the Kingdom if I asked you to?" Well, You know best and there's nothing more important than Your Kingdom, but do I really have to give up those things? I'm not sure I want to commit to that... I ended up on a whole theoretical conversation with Him about how if I didn't, wouldn't the work of His Kingdom still get done since He's sovereign and not dependent on me, etc, and how getting married and having kids is as valid a use of my life as giving all of that up and pursuing just the work of His Kingdom, but I had to come back to the first question. If it is what He asked of me, would I do it? Unfortunately there is only really one answer you can give to God in a situation like that. Yes. "I really don't want to to be honest with you Lord, and as hard as it is for me to say this, Yes, if you ask that of me I would do it". And it wasn't said with resentment, because that's not really saying it properly. It was said with faith and trust, knowing that He knows what's best for me. As really hard as it is to say, and let's not forget that, it is sooo hard to say yes to, I would say yes. Fortunately, He hasn't said that as such yet. But His challenge went further. "Have I made it clear who I have for you?" No God, you haven't. "Then unless I make clear to whether I have someone, you should live as though I have called you to singleness". Ok. Wow. So it was this challenge to assume that I am called to singleness and to live that way, unless God makes it clear that He has someone for me and who that someone is.

I can't say I'm finding this easy to live up to but I'm on the way there. Because the thing is I've been living in the assumption that I'm supposed to find someone and so I've been looking at every Christian girl as a potential partner, and weighing up how we might work together, and nursing feelings for individuals, etc, etc instead of trusting God with it all. Of course a problem I've just recently realised with this is I might end up with someone I shouldn't and I'd always be wondering if I got with them because I was impatient, etc, and have missed God's calling, etc.

Instead, I should be living assuming that I'm called to singleness and that none of the girls I know or meet are potential partners. Then if God should be to make someone clear to me then I would know and always know.

So yeah, that's where I'm at, that's what God has given me a big challenge on recently. Live as though you are called to singleness, unless He makes it clear that someone is for me, instead of trying to work out who out of every girl I know is for me.

Wow time to reflect

I haven't had as much free time as I'm having this holiday for ages and I'm finding myself to be quite reflective. Maybe my schedule is too busy in Portsmouth.
Having time with nothing to do seems like a new thing for me and I'm not sure if that's good or bad. On the one hand it's nice to have free time and not have this and that to be doing etc etc, but on the other hand I really like making the most of every minute so having time 'to kill' is something that I'm not comfortable with. I've only got one life, I wanna make the most of it and squeeze everything I can from it, not for me but for His glory.
I wonder about having me time. I quite like having things to do with my time that lead to other outcomes - sorting things for the Christian Union, getting coursework done, earning some money or just plain building good, deep, meaningful friendships with people I know - but time to just veg and do nothing I'm not so big on.
I want to make the most of my free time this holiday and do what matters. I put some films on my laptop but I only really want to use those when I'm travelling on the coach/train and I really can't do anything else. I don't wanna spend my holiday as a couch potato. It's been nice visiting old placements and seeing people, but catching up only goes so far and I could probably have done what I've allowed 2/3 days for in 1 day. It's slightly true of home too, there's only so many people I can catch up with before I've run out of things to do, I have some Uni work to finish but I need to make sure I get some time to rest and be away from that as well.
So I wanna try and push myself to invest as much time and energy I can into the relationship that matters most - spending serious time in prayer, worship and the bible in my free time.
Let's see how it goes eh.

It's only been a year

Welcome to my blogging habits:
- use the blog for several weeks in a row.
- Have no time/forget and don't use it for a year.
- Come back and carry on.

A lot can happen in a year though. And a lot has.
In some ways I wish I had documented it. It's really interesting to come back and see what was on my heart and mind a year ago and how things have really developed since.
I can't sum up the last year, too much to cover. Key parts would include being Vice President of the Christian Union and all the joys and struggles that that has been.
God has really been working through me and giving me new outlooks and lessons and although I always find it hard to highlight how I've grown over a period of time I know I have.

Without being able to go into detail here's some things:
- Giving me an eternal perspective - what's the point in doing, saying, buying, etc anything if all it does is maintain something of the status quo here on earth. The only things worth using our time and resources is on is that which will have an impact on eternity. The best illustration I got for this was from John Ortberg - You wouldn't decorate a motel room you were staying in for a week, so why spend all your efforts on things in this life when it's so temporary?
- Showing me my arrogance - this is related to starting in leadership in CU and how I thought I knew everything I needed to do and what would work best instead of being teachable and letting God, and those wiser and more experienced than me, help me out.
- Challenging me to speak out - it's not enough to just have people know that I am a Christian - I need to be someone who declares the Gospel.

I could probably go on if I racked my brains but (as usual) this post is probably too long already.
I'll do what I can to remember to put updates on my life and walk with God.

Love, love, love

As much as I know that this is key, I seem to need to be constantly reminded of it.

I have found faith and things a real challenge recently if I'm honest. Even though I have been talking about all the amazing ways that I have felt challenged by God to grow, I've felt somewhat overwhelmed. It's like I could see how all of the bits of the jigsaw fitted together better than ever before, but I found myself doubting whether the jigsaw even existed. That's not a great analogy, I know. An ever so slightly better one perhaps - it's like I was understanding the theory behind black holes in more and more complex detail, but was doubting the existence of them anyway. If that makes sense.

Even though I have felt that I have learned so much from God and been challenged afresh by Him in so many ways, I found myself struggling with faith as a whole. Taking, for instance, how my understanding of speaking into people's lives has grown and my willingness to pray for people to be healed, I haven't seen any healings yet and that has been really discouraging.

It built up over the term too, and over Christmas I was feeling really dragged down by it, even when I was able to see things in terms of persecution (spiritual) being an encouragement because it speaks of opposition when going the right way.

But on Thursday I went to The Gathering at Kings church, and we spent the whole time waiting on God's presence. I can never explain what that's like to anyone, but it was so amazing. I was with God in such a close way that I haven't felt properly for ages, and it just kinda made everything ok again.

I realised some things that are central to everything, and I think I had lost that whilst discovering the detail in the outer areas. Love.

I realised that I cannot heal anyone. I cannot make anyone come to church. I cannot even make anyone understand the gospel. I can pursue those things, and I should, but I cannot make them happen.

All I can do is love God and love others.

And that is what counts.

Sorting the wheat from the chaff

A wonder/worry of mine.

I believe all of these challenges, when taken seriously, will sort the wheat from the chaff, to use a phrase of Jesus'.

If I were to stand up in church, or CU, and put forward all of the things I have written about I think it would stir up negative responses even from the people there, before it even goes outside the Christian body.

Because, taking the last post as reference, people will not be happy to be told that we are to speak to people and challenge them. People in church even want to do things their way, to be seen as nice, not to offend. But this is why I think a lot of churches split, and new denominations form - those who recognise that following Christ is more than just sitting in their comfort zone get into an unavoidable conflict with those who don't like being made to grow. I know that the old testament Jews rejected the prophets, kicked them out and even killed them, even though they were speaking the truth, and I wonder and worry about what will happen if I take these challenges I'm encountering on seriously. Will I be rejected by some Christians, let alone non-Christians?

All I know is that I am building up a more detailed and amazing (albeit challenging) picture of what it means to follow God and see Him work and I will pursure that more and more.

A bit of connection

Another thing I worked out at CU (don't ask me what we were supposed to be doing, I got all this instead :-P), was a bit of a combination of a load of things I've written about before,

I do rememmber actually - we were talking about evangelism amongst our peers, and answering people when they ask us.

But I really feel I have to challenge that. I think that if we wait for people to ask us about our faith, it will be ages before we ever get anywhere, and it will be an incredibly slow process. Jesus, Paul, the Apostles didn't wait, but went around speaking into people's lives.

I think we need to be prepared, as I have discussed before, to speak directly to people about Jesus and not be afraid of what they think.

To balance this though, I don't advocate a soap-box method of hell-fire and brimstone shouting. I still think there is a right way to go about it, which is not that.

I believe to be heard we need to earn the right to speak. Whilst I have mentioned that Jesus and Paul just went and spoke without waiting to be asked, I still think that they earned the right to speak. Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30 and a fully trained Rabbi. In his cultural setting by spending all that time in training, he had earned, in the eyes of the people, the right to speak. (Now Jesus also spoke with an authority that made him stand out from his contemporaries, and I believe we need that, but don't have the time or knowledge to discuss that right now). Paul also was a top ranking Pharisee and recognised for this. He also went to places were speaking was practiced - synagogues, philosophers gatherings - as well as doing background research (so to speak) about the people he was speaking to (he wandered around Athens getting a feel for his audiences religiosity). And so too I believe we need to earn the right to speak to the people around us, and I would argue that this involves speaking at the right time and place and getting to know the people you are speaking to.

I don't agree with waiting for people to ask us, because even though it's scary, I am convinced the correct path is to speak into people's lives directy, having earned the right to do so.


To link it back to older thoughts, I think that we're going to be hated. What we have to say is offensive to people and in today's culture we are going to be considered arrogant, closed-minded and foolish, but we need to speak out. This is why we are afraid to speak to people, because we are worried they will think this of us, but think - when someone disagrees with you strongly they are vocal about it back to you, unafraid of you disliking them. They consider what they have to say more important than what you think of them. How much more should this be true of us as Christians with the message that we have of Jesus?

We need to speak out, regardless of the outcome, having earned the right to speak. We need to not worry about what they think, but speak the truth. Read the below:

1 Peter 3:15-17

We are probably familiar with the first verse, but look at the rest. We need to not be afraid of what people think or say when we share the good news. Because even if they are malicious about us, they will be ashamed if we are living Christlike lives. If we are living good lives, and are connected in Unity (as in my last post), then even if they disagree with what we say, they will be ashamed to speak against us.

Because the other thing is it is more important for us to correct people and guide them in truth than be quiet and have them think we are "nice people". We have this bad habit of thinking that if people think we are nice then they'll be attracted to God, because they'll see Him as nice too. But they don't see Him as nice even if we are nice. They'll think He is powerless, uncaring with no strong important views to express, happy with them as they are because they haven't heard otherwise. We need to help others get to know Jesus, because that is the most important thing going.


So we need to live lives worthy of Jesus, be connected in Unity and, having earned the right to speak through our love and kindness in our friendships, we can speak to them about the good news, even if it seems tough.



BUT.

This is why persecution will happen. We know that persecution is a good sign, because it's what happens to true followers of Christ. But we seem to think that it will happen because one day some non-Christians will decide they don't like Christians. This isn't true. The reason that Christians get persecuted is that they speak the truth boldy and fearlessly, even when it flies in the face of society and strong opposition. It happens because Christians tell people that everyone is sinful when people don't want to hear that, it happens because Christians tell people they need God when people want to be self sufficient and do what they want to do. The world will persecute Christians because Christians make them uncomfortable. (Keep in mind that as much as it is important to say these things, they are always to be done with gentleness and respect, having earned the right to speak through love and kindness). That is why Godly people will be persecuted. That is how we will hurt them (salt and light in previous post, what we say will hurt). That is why we'll suffer (because people will hate us, possibly attack us, family may disown us, because we say and do what is right, in the face of an opposing society, group or individual).


I realise that this is really tough, but this isn't a call to condemn people for certain sins or anything, but a call to speak the gospel boldly to people. For me this massively connects a whole load of the things that I have been thinking about and is, again, challenge that as a Christian I must take, despite discomfort, despite fear, despite possible opposition, persecution, rejection and so on.

We must speak out to people, in truth and love, having earned the right with our lives and our love, even with the possibility of bad outcomes. For Jesus sake.

Be like Trinity (not the one from the Matrix)

This was interesting.
I got this whilst at Christian Union on Monday, even though this wasn't really what CU was about.

In John 17, Jesus prays in Gethsemane, and we looked at verses 20-26, where he prays for all those who will become his disciples in the future. It's the things he prayed about that have made me think. Go and look at it here:

John 17:20-26

The reason I figure that this is important is because this is the only thing that we know of that Jesus prayed for for you and me. Out of all the things that he teaches, all the things that he says, this is the only recorded time he prays for us, so I figure what he had to say is of primary importance.

His focus is not that we would have health, not that we would be wealthy, not that we would be strong, not that we would have spiritual gifts, not even that we would bear fruit (as important as any of these things may be). Jesus prayer is that we would have unity in love.

Wow. This is a massive challenge though, it's not some nice thought. Think about what I've just said about how this is the only recorded time, and what that means for the importance of this. It's central. But it's tough, because look at the words that he uses. "all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you", and "let them be in complete unity". !!! !!! !!!

Jesus wants us to have the same unity in the church that exists between him and the Father.

That is not a small order if you want to think about it.

This involves vulnerability, honesty, involvement, intimacy.

This involves sharing with each other EVERYTHING! Which I'm guessing is why the church is not the church that it should be yet.

Imagine if, as Christians, we all lived like that. That we spoke to each other about EVERYTHING. Not that we spoke to our best friend, but that we shared as a church. That we shared our joys, but that also we shared our struggles. If every time we found something difficult we told people as soon as they asked. That if every time we were upset we told people when they asked "how are you?". Imagine if we shared with each other that much, and had love for each other that was that deep.

That is what Jesus wants for us! It's what he prays for. He also prays that we would be one with him as much as he is one with the Father, which sounds to me like that makes us part of the trinity, which I don't quite get, but what I do know is that he wants us to have relationships with each other within church, within CU, etc that are as close and as intimate and as involved as the Father is with the Son is with the Spirit is with the Father and so on.

That's the church I'm looking for. That's the CU I'm gonna push for. That's the challenge of the moment. Let's create a church that is as connected and loving of each other as the Trinity. It's what Jesus wants :-D

Life

Lol. I wonder if I need to clarify things at all. I'm not in hard place in the sense of feeling bad, upset, sad or anything. Just challenged. And I wish to share of my challenges with you. :-)

Refining

So I don't know if I've made clear how challenging I've found the, well, challenges that I've spoken about before. This has been a real testing time for me and to be honest I've found it really hard. I still do. The more and more I look to meet these challenges, these things I know are right, the harder I realise that it is.

I have been really feeling the weight of these challenges and so really thinking about how much easier giving it all up is. I mean, I don't want to give it up, I want to strive on, but I do want to, because it would be so much easier (plus I'd get to go and do things my own morals restrict me from at the moment). This pressure to give up and leave it all is definitely mounting (prayer please). Some comfort I had today though was when I realised what that might imply.

For one thing it spoke to me of how when we start doing important things and really going for God and His Kingdom, Satan starts hounding us and making things very difficult and painful. So, since I feel somewhat hounded by all this and I'm finding it difficult, I draw encouragement from the fact that this shows how Satan is fighting against me. If he's doing that then I'm on to something good. Something big, something important, and something threatening to the kingdom of darkness. I must press on, I must overcome darkness with light.

The other thing I remembered was about refining fire. To purify gold takes a very hot fire and the removal of wrong things. I feel that my understanding and attitudes are being challenged. Tested by fire so to speak. And whilst this is difficult and in a sense painful, the fact, again, that it is happening suggests to me that good change is going on inside me. In which case bring it on. Hurt me more. Turn up the heat and get rid from me everything that is wrong. Purify me so that Your reflection can be seen in me.

Finally, I drew encouragement from a simple illustration I just experienced. I have been feeling that whilst all of this good change is starting to come about in me, the more I see things as how they could and should be, the more I see how very very very far from that they are. This seems so discouraging because the more I feel that I am being changed in these, I am convinced, incredibly good ways, the further I feel from being like the average Joe out there who doesn't know God. How am I supposed to connect with the next person on the street, let alone help them move from the understanding the kingdom of darkness would keep them in to that of God's kingdom?

I don't know the answer to that question and it would seem that the more I grow in these ways the further every one else seems and so much more insurmountable the task of helping them move appears. I really don't know what I am supposed to do. But I was encouraged because as I passed a body of water and gazed at the stillness of it, I felt compelled drop a stone into it. As I did so I watched the ripples move outward until the whole body of water was affected.

Now, although I don't know at all how to change the world or help others come to Jesus, I am convinced that as I seek God's refining in me, the changes He makes can have an affect that will ripple out to potentially everyone I encounter and more. I pray that God would raise up a generation who would go all out for God, counting the cost but reaping the reward for Him.

Rejection

So I think I've nailed something that I hadn't realised so much about myself. I've kind of realised again my pride. Definitely a sin I struggle with. There are times when I struggle with it directly - I have many moments of arrogance, even moments where I readily boast about myself to others - but mostly it is more subtle.

I'm a big advocate of positive self-image. Whilst I don't get to speak to guys about this so much, I find that so many of the girls I speak to have a negative self image. They usually hide it under make up, clothes, and what have you, but loads of girls I speak to think they are fat, ugly, useless, worthless, unlovable and worse. I really wish, I mean that, I really wish I could cure that in these girls. (This is a short aside) Because I'm so sick of the media presenting (and I'm assuming here that this is largely true for guys too) views that have led people to believe these things about themselves. People are beautiful, everyone is gifted and I know that everyone I have ever met is loved by those around them.

I like to think that I've managed to avoid this personally - I have a positive self image. I readily admit my faults, but I know that there are many people who love and care for me. I know where some of strengths lie (public speaking, guitar, theology, etc), I know that I'm a good friend, I think I'm pretty good looking. (Another short aside related to the first - the problem with me writing that is that I automatically appear vain, conceited, arrogant, etc for even having a positive self image, something else I hate about how we've been conditioned in our society).

But whilst I may have avoided this negative self image problem, I have become susceptible to the opposite. I can be proud.

But all of this is really a slight background to what I've been thinking. (I know, it's been an aside with asides in it). I may have a positive self image, but it's not well founded and it causes me big problems.

I know where the best place to build foundations for a positive self image are. They are in the knowledge that I am created in the image of God and deeply, deeply loved by Him. However, whilst I know this and try to build there, I think a lot of my foundations have been built on second grade groundwork. I have realised recently how much my positive self-image and self-worth, which is what this is actually about, are dependent on others.

To an extent that is good - get feedback from others, work together to improve at life, etc, etc - but it holds me back from some growth.

Let me relate it to what I spoke about in my last post. I am afraid to have difficult conversations with those I know, even when I know it's right and when I know I should. And I am afraid because of what could result. Speaking hard truths can lead to very difficult outcomes. For instance, if I speak to a friend about something, they may decide to stop being my friend. One person I know tends to completely stop talking to people who have upset them, to write them out of their life, so for me it would be a real challenge to speak to them about difficult topics because I fear that they might write me out of their life too.

This is all understandable on paper (and I assume you've kept up) but when it comes to real life application it becomes so much harder. And this is why it highlights issues for me.

I am really unprepared to speak to people becuase I don't want to offend them, I don't want to hurt them and I most definitely don't want them to hate me. I have this almost crippling fear of people rejecting me, and so I am too scared to speak to them about things that are important. And that is so sad. So upsetting.

I am so afraid of how people might react to me, and so scared of people potentially hating me, that I won't speak truth to them. Because the problem is truth can hurt.

It is so sad that I am afraid to tell people about Jesus, the best thing in the UNIVERSE, the BEST thing, because I am scared of how they might react to me. The best thing I can do for people is tell them about Jesus, help them to know Him, pray with them, speak truth to them and help them grow in truth and love, but I am afraid to do so because I risk them hating me.

So I need to destroy my pride. It needs to be taken out of me. It needs to go.

I need to realise this truth and let it change me. Because truth can hurt. But if people need truth then I need to give it to them, even if it means hurt.

We as Christians are called to be salt and light in the earth. Salt in a wound heals, but it also stings. Light when you've been in darkness shows you the way but also hurts your eyes. I want to heal people with truth and to show them the way, but it's likely to sting them and hurt.

In fact, this challenges me further, because if it doesn't sting then I'm probably not applying it properly or in large enough amounts. If it doesn't hurt then it's probably not bright enough. So if it doesn't hurt at all, then I'm probably not salt and light to people.

Not only should I be prepared to have people mad at me, upset, offended, hurt and even hating me, I should expect it. Expect it! And what's more I should probably be worried if they aren't. Worried if they aren't!

So that's another challenge for me (or at least an extenstion of that third one). And so my pride needs to go. I must be all about God, advancing His Kingdom and seeing His truth and love spread throughout the world. Whatever the implications are for me. He alone is most important.