Rejection

So I think I've nailed something that I hadn't realised so much about myself. I've kind of realised again my pride. Definitely a sin I struggle with. There are times when I struggle with it directly - I have many moments of arrogance, even moments where I readily boast about myself to others - but mostly it is more subtle.

I'm a big advocate of positive self-image. Whilst I don't get to speak to guys about this so much, I find that so many of the girls I speak to have a negative self image. They usually hide it under make up, clothes, and what have you, but loads of girls I speak to think they are fat, ugly, useless, worthless, unlovable and worse. I really wish, I mean that, I really wish I could cure that in these girls. (This is a short aside) Because I'm so sick of the media presenting (and I'm assuming here that this is largely true for guys too) views that have led people to believe these things about themselves. People are beautiful, everyone is gifted and I know that everyone I have ever met is loved by those around them.

I like to think that I've managed to avoid this personally - I have a positive self image. I readily admit my faults, but I know that there are many people who love and care for me. I know where some of strengths lie (public speaking, guitar, theology, etc), I know that I'm a good friend, I think I'm pretty good looking. (Another short aside related to the first - the problem with me writing that is that I automatically appear vain, conceited, arrogant, etc for even having a positive self image, something else I hate about how we've been conditioned in our society).

But whilst I may have avoided this negative self image problem, I have become susceptible to the opposite. I can be proud.

But all of this is really a slight background to what I've been thinking. (I know, it's been an aside with asides in it). I may have a positive self image, but it's not well founded and it causes me big problems.

I know where the best place to build foundations for a positive self image are. They are in the knowledge that I am created in the image of God and deeply, deeply loved by Him. However, whilst I know this and try to build there, I think a lot of my foundations have been built on second grade groundwork. I have realised recently how much my positive self-image and self-worth, which is what this is actually about, are dependent on others.

To an extent that is good - get feedback from others, work together to improve at life, etc, etc - but it holds me back from some growth.

Let me relate it to what I spoke about in my last post. I am afraid to have difficult conversations with those I know, even when I know it's right and when I know I should. And I am afraid because of what could result. Speaking hard truths can lead to very difficult outcomes. For instance, if I speak to a friend about something, they may decide to stop being my friend. One person I know tends to completely stop talking to people who have upset them, to write them out of their life, so for me it would be a real challenge to speak to them about difficult topics because I fear that they might write me out of their life too.

This is all understandable on paper (and I assume you've kept up) but when it comes to real life application it becomes so much harder. And this is why it highlights issues for me.

I am really unprepared to speak to people becuase I don't want to offend them, I don't want to hurt them and I most definitely don't want them to hate me. I have this almost crippling fear of people rejecting me, and so I am too scared to speak to them about things that are important. And that is so sad. So upsetting.

I am so afraid of how people might react to me, and so scared of people potentially hating me, that I won't speak truth to them. Because the problem is truth can hurt.

It is so sad that I am afraid to tell people about Jesus, the best thing in the UNIVERSE, the BEST thing, because I am scared of how they might react to me. The best thing I can do for people is tell them about Jesus, help them to know Him, pray with them, speak truth to them and help them grow in truth and love, but I am afraid to do so because I risk them hating me.

So I need to destroy my pride. It needs to be taken out of me. It needs to go.

I need to realise this truth and let it change me. Because truth can hurt. But if people need truth then I need to give it to them, even if it means hurt.

We as Christians are called to be salt and light in the earth. Salt in a wound heals, but it also stings. Light when you've been in darkness shows you the way but also hurts your eyes. I want to heal people with truth and to show them the way, but it's likely to sting them and hurt.

In fact, this challenges me further, because if it doesn't sting then I'm probably not applying it properly or in large enough amounts. If it doesn't hurt then it's probably not bright enough. So if it doesn't hurt at all, then I'm probably not salt and light to people.

Not only should I be prepared to have people mad at me, upset, offended, hurt and even hating me, I should expect it. Expect it! And what's more I should probably be worried if they aren't. Worried if they aren't!

So that's another challenge for me (or at least an extenstion of that third one). And so my pride needs to go. I must be all about God, advancing His Kingdom and seeing His truth and love spread throughout the world. Whatever the implications are for me. He alone is most important.