Welcome to my blogging habits:
- use the blog for several weeks in a row.
- Have no time/forget and don't use it for a year.
- Come back and carry on.
A lot can happen in a year though. And a lot has.
In some ways I wish I had documented it. It's really interesting to come back and see what was on my heart and mind a year ago and how things have really developed since.
I can't sum up the last year, too much to cover. Key parts would include being Vice President of the Christian Union and all the joys and struggles that that has been.
God has really been working through me and giving me new outlooks and lessons and although I always find it hard to highlight how I've grown over a period of time I know I have.
Without being able to go into detail here's some things:
- Giving me an eternal perspective - what's the point in doing, saying, buying, etc anything if all it does is maintain something of the status quo here on earth. The only things worth using our time and resources is on is that which will have an impact on eternity. The best illustration I got for this was from John Ortberg - You wouldn't decorate a motel room you were staying in for a week, so why spend all your efforts on things in this life when it's so temporary?
- Showing me my arrogance - this is related to starting in leadership in CU and how I thought I knew everything I needed to do and what would work best instead of being teachable and letting God, and those wiser and more experienced than me, help me out.
- Challenging me to speak out - it's not enough to just have people know that I am a Christian - I need to be someone who declares the Gospel.
I could probably go on if I racked my brains but (as usual) this post is probably too long already.
I'll do what I can to remember to put updates on my life and walk with God.
Thursday, 10 December 2009
Sunday, 11 January 2009
Love, love, love
As much as I know that this is key, I seem to need to be constantly reminded of it.
I have found faith and things a real challenge recently if I'm honest. Even though I have been talking about all the amazing ways that I have felt challenged by God to grow, I've felt somewhat overwhelmed. It's like I could see how all of the bits of the jigsaw fitted together better than ever before, but I found myself doubting whether the jigsaw even existed. That's not a great analogy, I know. An ever so slightly better one perhaps - it's like I was understanding the theory behind black holes in more and more complex detail, but was doubting the existence of them anyway. If that makes sense.
Even though I have felt that I have learned so much from God and been challenged afresh by Him in so many ways, I found myself struggling with faith as a whole. Taking, for instance, how my understanding of speaking into people's lives has grown and my willingness to pray for people to be healed, I haven't seen any healings yet and that has been really discouraging.
It built up over the term too, and over Christmas I was feeling really dragged down by it, even when I was able to see things in terms of persecution (spiritual) being an encouragement because it speaks of opposition when going the right way.
But on Thursday I went to The Gathering at Kings church, and we spent the whole time waiting on God's presence. I can never explain what that's like to anyone, but it was so amazing. I was with God in such a close way that I haven't felt properly for ages, and it just kinda made everything ok again.
I realised some things that are central to everything, and I think I had lost that whilst discovering the detail in the outer areas. Love.
I realised that I cannot heal anyone. I cannot make anyone come to church. I cannot even make anyone understand the gospel. I can pursue those things, and I should, but I cannot make them happen.
All I can do is love God and love others.
And that is what counts.
I have found faith and things a real challenge recently if I'm honest. Even though I have been talking about all the amazing ways that I have felt challenged by God to grow, I've felt somewhat overwhelmed. It's like I could see how all of the bits of the jigsaw fitted together better than ever before, but I found myself doubting whether the jigsaw even existed. That's not a great analogy, I know. An ever so slightly better one perhaps - it's like I was understanding the theory behind black holes in more and more complex detail, but was doubting the existence of them anyway. If that makes sense.
Even though I have felt that I have learned so much from God and been challenged afresh by Him in so many ways, I found myself struggling with faith as a whole. Taking, for instance, how my understanding of speaking into people's lives has grown and my willingness to pray for people to be healed, I haven't seen any healings yet and that has been really discouraging.
It built up over the term too, and over Christmas I was feeling really dragged down by it, even when I was able to see things in terms of persecution (spiritual) being an encouragement because it speaks of opposition when going the right way.
But on Thursday I went to The Gathering at Kings church, and we spent the whole time waiting on God's presence. I can never explain what that's like to anyone, but it was so amazing. I was with God in such a close way that I haven't felt properly for ages, and it just kinda made everything ok again.
I realised some things that are central to everything, and I think I had lost that whilst discovering the detail in the outer areas. Love.
I realised that I cannot heal anyone. I cannot make anyone come to church. I cannot even make anyone understand the gospel. I can pursue those things, and I should, but I cannot make them happen.
All I can do is love God and love others.
And that is what counts.
Sorting the wheat from the chaff
A wonder/worry of mine.
I believe all of these challenges, when taken seriously, will sort the wheat from the chaff, to use a phrase of Jesus'.
If I were to stand up in church, or CU, and put forward all of the things I have written about I think it would stir up negative responses even from the people there, before it even goes outside the Christian body.
Because, taking the last post as reference, people will not be happy to be told that we are to speak to people and challenge them. People in church even want to do things their way, to be seen as nice, not to offend. But this is why I think a lot of churches split, and new denominations form - those who recognise that following Christ is more than just sitting in their comfort zone get into an unavoidable conflict with those who don't like being made to grow. I know that the old testament Jews rejected the prophets, kicked them out and even killed them, even though they were speaking the truth, and I wonder and worry about what will happen if I take these challenges I'm encountering on seriously. Will I be rejected by some Christians, let alone non-Christians?
All I know is that I am building up a more detailed and amazing (albeit challenging) picture of what it means to follow God and see Him work and I will pursure that more and more.
I believe all of these challenges, when taken seriously, will sort the wheat from the chaff, to use a phrase of Jesus'.
If I were to stand up in church, or CU, and put forward all of the things I have written about I think it would stir up negative responses even from the people there, before it even goes outside the Christian body.
Because, taking the last post as reference, people will not be happy to be told that we are to speak to people and challenge them. People in church even want to do things their way, to be seen as nice, not to offend. But this is why I think a lot of churches split, and new denominations form - those who recognise that following Christ is more than just sitting in their comfort zone get into an unavoidable conflict with those who don't like being made to grow. I know that the old testament Jews rejected the prophets, kicked them out and even killed them, even though they were speaking the truth, and I wonder and worry about what will happen if I take these challenges I'm encountering on seriously. Will I be rejected by some Christians, let alone non-Christians?
All I know is that I am building up a more detailed and amazing (albeit challenging) picture of what it means to follow God and see Him work and I will pursure that more and more.
Saturday, 10 January 2009
A bit of connection
Another thing I worked out at CU (don't ask me what we were supposed to be doing, I got all this instead :-P), was a bit of a combination of a load of things I've written about before,
I do rememmber actually - we were talking about evangelism amongst our peers, and answering people when they ask us.
But I really feel I have to challenge that. I think that if we wait for people to ask us about our faith, it will be ages before we ever get anywhere, and it will be an incredibly slow process. Jesus, Paul, the Apostles didn't wait, but went around speaking into people's lives.
I think we need to be prepared, as I have discussed before, to speak directly to people about Jesus and not be afraid of what they think.
To balance this though, I don't advocate a soap-box method of hell-fire and brimstone shouting. I still think there is a right way to go about it, which is not that.
I believe to be heard we need to earn the right to speak. Whilst I have mentioned that Jesus and Paul just went and spoke without waiting to be asked, I still think that they earned the right to speak. Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30 and a fully trained Rabbi. In his cultural setting by spending all that time in training, he had earned, in the eyes of the people, the right to speak. (Now Jesus also spoke with an authority that made him stand out from his contemporaries, and I believe we need that, but don't have the time or knowledge to discuss that right now). Paul also was a top ranking Pharisee and recognised for this. He also went to places were speaking was practiced - synagogues, philosophers gatherings - as well as doing background research (so to speak) about the people he was speaking to (he wandered around Athens getting a feel for his audiences religiosity). And so too I believe we need to earn the right to speak to the people around us, and I would argue that this involves speaking at the right time and place and getting to know the people you are speaking to.
I don't agree with waiting for people to ask us, because even though it's scary, I am convinced the correct path is to speak into people's lives directy, having earned the right to do so.
To link it back to older thoughts, I think that we're going to be hated. What we have to say is offensive to people and in today's culture we are going to be considered arrogant, closed-minded and foolish, but we need to speak out. This is why we are afraid to speak to people, because we are worried they will think this of us, but think - when someone disagrees with you strongly they are vocal about it back to you, unafraid of you disliking them. They consider what they have to say more important than what you think of them. How much more should this be true of us as Christians with the message that we have of Jesus?
We need to speak out, regardless of the outcome, having earned the right to speak. We need to not worry about what they think, but speak the truth. Read the below:
1 Peter 3:15-17
We are probably familiar with the first verse, but look at the rest. We need to not be afraid of what people think or say when we share the good news. Because even if they are malicious about us, they will be ashamed if we are living Christlike lives. If we are living good lives, and are connected in Unity (as in my last post), then even if they disagree with what we say, they will be ashamed to speak against us.
Because the other thing is it is more important for us to correct people and guide them in truth than be quiet and have them think we are "nice people". We have this bad habit of thinking that if people think we are nice then they'll be attracted to God, because they'll see Him as nice too. But they don't see Him as nice even if we are nice. They'll think He is powerless, uncaring with no strong important views to express, happy with them as they are because they haven't heard otherwise. We need to help others get to know Jesus, because that is the most important thing going.
So we need to live lives worthy of Jesus, be connected in Unity and, having earned the right to speak through our love and kindness in our friendships, we can speak to them about the good news, even if it seems tough.
BUT.
This is why persecution will happen. We know that persecution is a good sign, because it's what happens to true followers of Christ. But we seem to think that it will happen because one day some non-Christians will decide they don't like Christians. This isn't true. The reason that Christians get persecuted is that they speak the truth boldy and fearlessly, even when it flies in the face of society and strong opposition. It happens because Christians tell people that everyone is sinful when people don't want to hear that, it happens because Christians tell people they need God when people want to be self sufficient and do what they want to do. The world will persecute Christians because Christians make them uncomfortable. (Keep in mind that as much as it is important to say these things, they are always to be done with gentleness and respect, having earned the right to speak through love and kindness). That is why Godly people will be persecuted. That is how we will hurt them (salt and light in previous post, what we say will hurt). That is why we'll suffer (because people will hate us, possibly attack us, family may disown us, because we say and do what is right, in the face of an opposing society, group or individual).
I realise that this is really tough, but this isn't a call to condemn people for certain sins or anything, but a call to speak the gospel boldly to people. For me this massively connects a whole load of the things that I have been thinking about and is, again, challenge that as a Christian I must take, despite discomfort, despite fear, despite possible opposition, persecution, rejection and so on.
We must speak out to people, in truth and love, having earned the right with our lives and our love, even with the possibility of bad outcomes. For Jesus sake.
I do rememmber actually - we were talking about evangelism amongst our peers, and answering people when they ask us.
But I really feel I have to challenge that. I think that if we wait for people to ask us about our faith, it will be ages before we ever get anywhere, and it will be an incredibly slow process. Jesus, Paul, the Apostles didn't wait, but went around speaking into people's lives.
I think we need to be prepared, as I have discussed before, to speak directly to people about Jesus and not be afraid of what they think.
To balance this though, I don't advocate a soap-box method of hell-fire and brimstone shouting. I still think there is a right way to go about it, which is not that.
I believe to be heard we need to earn the right to speak. Whilst I have mentioned that Jesus and Paul just went and spoke without waiting to be asked, I still think that they earned the right to speak. Jesus didn't start his ministry until he was 30 and a fully trained Rabbi. In his cultural setting by spending all that time in training, he had earned, in the eyes of the people, the right to speak. (Now Jesus also spoke with an authority that made him stand out from his contemporaries, and I believe we need that, but don't have the time or knowledge to discuss that right now). Paul also was a top ranking Pharisee and recognised for this. He also went to places were speaking was practiced - synagogues, philosophers gatherings - as well as doing background research (so to speak) about the people he was speaking to (he wandered around Athens getting a feel for his audiences religiosity). And so too I believe we need to earn the right to speak to the people around us, and I would argue that this involves speaking at the right time and place and getting to know the people you are speaking to.
I don't agree with waiting for people to ask us, because even though it's scary, I am convinced the correct path is to speak into people's lives directy, having earned the right to do so.
To link it back to older thoughts, I think that we're going to be hated. What we have to say is offensive to people and in today's culture we are going to be considered arrogant, closed-minded and foolish, but we need to speak out. This is why we are afraid to speak to people, because we are worried they will think this of us, but think - when someone disagrees with you strongly they are vocal about it back to you, unafraid of you disliking them. They consider what they have to say more important than what you think of them. How much more should this be true of us as Christians with the message that we have of Jesus?
We need to speak out, regardless of the outcome, having earned the right to speak. We need to not worry about what they think, but speak the truth. Read the below:
1 Peter 3:15-17
We are probably familiar with the first verse, but look at the rest. We need to not be afraid of what people think or say when we share the good news. Because even if they are malicious about us, they will be ashamed if we are living Christlike lives. If we are living good lives, and are connected in Unity (as in my last post), then even if they disagree with what we say, they will be ashamed to speak against us.
Because the other thing is it is more important for us to correct people and guide them in truth than be quiet and have them think we are "nice people". We have this bad habit of thinking that if people think we are nice then they'll be attracted to God, because they'll see Him as nice too. But they don't see Him as nice even if we are nice. They'll think He is powerless, uncaring with no strong important views to express, happy with them as they are because they haven't heard otherwise. We need to help others get to know Jesus, because that is the most important thing going.
So we need to live lives worthy of Jesus, be connected in Unity and, having earned the right to speak through our love and kindness in our friendships, we can speak to them about the good news, even if it seems tough.
BUT.
This is why persecution will happen. We know that persecution is a good sign, because it's what happens to true followers of Christ. But we seem to think that it will happen because one day some non-Christians will decide they don't like Christians. This isn't true. The reason that Christians get persecuted is that they speak the truth boldy and fearlessly, even when it flies in the face of society and strong opposition. It happens because Christians tell people that everyone is sinful when people don't want to hear that, it happens because Christians tell people they need God when people want to be self sufficient and do what they want to do. The world will persecute Christians because Christians make them uncomfortable. (Keep in mind that as much as it is important to say these things, they are always to be done with gentleness and respect, having earned the right to speak through love and kindness). That is why Godly people will be persecuted. That is how we will hurt them (salt and light in previous post, what we say will hurt). That is why we'll suffer (because people will hate us, possibly attack us, family may disown us, because we say and do what is right, in the face of an opposing society, group or individual).
I realise that this is really tough, but this isn't a call to condemn people for certain sins or anything, but a call to speak the gospel boldly to people. For me this massively connects a whole load of the things that I have been thinking about and is, again, challenge that as a Christian I must take, despite discomfort, despite fear, despite possible opposition, persecution, rejection and so on.
We must speak out to people, in truth and love, having earned the right with our lives and our love, even with the possibility of bad outcomes. For Jesus sake.
Be like Trinity (not the one from the Matrix)
This was interesting.
I got this whilst at Christian Union on Monday, even though this wasn't really what CU was about.
In John 17, Jesus prays in Gethsemane, and we looked at verses 20-26, where he prays for all those who will become his disciples in the future. It's the things he prayed about that have made me think. Go and look at it here:
John 17:20-26
The reason I figure that this is important is because this is the only thing that we know of that Jesus prayed for for you and me. Out of all the things that he teaches, all the things that he says, this is the only recorded time he prays for us, so I figure what he had to say is of primary importance.
His focus is not that we would have health, not that we would be wealthy, not that we would be strong, not that we would have spiritual gifts, not even that we would bear fruit (as important as any of these things may be). Jesus prayer is that we would have unity in love.
Wow. This is a massive challenge though, it's not some nice thought. Think about what I've just said about how this is the only recorded time, and what that means for the importance of this. It's central. But it's tough, because look at the words that he uses. "all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you", and "let them be in complete unity". !!! !!! !!!
Jesus wants us to have the same unity in the church that exists between him and the Father.
That is not a small order if you want to think about it.
This involves vulnerability, honesty, involvement, intimacy.
This involves sharing with each other EVERYTHING! Which I'm guessing is why the church is not the church that it should be yet.
Imagine if, as Christians, we all lived like that. That we spoke to each other about EVERYTHING. Not that we spoke to our best friend, but that we shared as a church. That we shared our joys, but that also we shared our struggles. If every time we found something difficult we told people as soon as they asked. That if every time we were upset we told people when they asked "how are you?". Imagine if we shared with each other that much, and had love for each other that was that deep.
That is what Jesus wants for us! It's what he prays for. He also prays that we would be one with him as much as he is one with the Father, which sounds to me like that makes us part of the trinity, which I don't quite get, but what I do know is that he wants us to have relationships with each other within church, within CU, etc that are as close and as intimate and as involved as the Father is with the Son is with the Spirit is with the Father and so on.
That's the church I'm looking for. That's the CU I'm gonna push for. That's the challenge of the moment. Let's create a church that is as connected and loving of each other as the Trinity. It's what Jesus wants :-D
I got this whilst at Christian Union on Monday, even though this wasn't really what CU was about.
In John 17, Jesus prays in Gethsemane, and we looked at verses 20-26, where he prays for all those who will become his disciples in the future. It's the things he prayed about that have made me think. Go and look at it here:
John 17:20-26
The reason I figure that this is important is because this is the only thing that we know of that Jesus prayed for for you and me. Out of all the things that he teaches, all the things that he says, this is the only recorded time he prays for us, so I figure what he had to say is of primary importance.
His focus is not that we would have health, not that we would be wealthy, not that we would be strong, not that we would have spiritual gifts, not even that we would bear fruit (as important as any of these things may be). Jesus prayer is that we would have unity in love.
Wow. This is a massive challenge though, it's not some nice thought. Think about what I've just said about how this is the only recorded time, and what that means for the importance of this. It's central. But it's tough, because look at the words that he uses. "all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you", and "let them be in complete unity". !!! !!! !!!
Jesus wants us to have the same unity in the church that exists between him and the Father.
That is not a small order if you want to think about it.
This involves vulnerability, honesty, involvement, intimacy.
This involves sharing with each other EVERYTHING! Which I'm guessing is why the church is not the church that it should be yet.
Imagine if, as Christians, we all lived like that. That we spoke to each other about EVERYTHING. Not that we spoke to our best friend, but that we shared as a church. That we shared our joys, but that also we shared our struggles. If every time we found something difficult we told people as soon as they asked. That if every time we were upset we told people when they asked "how are you?". Imagine if we shared with each other that much, and had love for each other that was that deep.
That is what Jesus wants for us! It's what he prays for. He also prays that we would be one with him as much as he is one with the Father, which sounds to me like that makes us part of the trinity, which I don't quite get, but what I do know is that he wants us to have relationships with each other within church, within CU, etc that are as close and as intimate and as involved as the Father is with the Son is with the Spirit is with the Father and so on.
That's the church I'm looking for. That's the CU I'm gonna push for. That's the challenge of the moment. Let's create a church that is as connected and loving of each other as the Trinity. It's what Jesus wants :-D
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Life
Lol. I wonder if I need to clarify things at all. I'm not in hard place in the sense of feeling bad, upset, sad or anything. Just challenged. And I wish to share of my challenges with you. :-)
Saturday, 27 December 2008
Refining
So I don't know if I've made clear how challenging I've found the, well, challenges that I've spoken about before. This has been a real testing time for me and to be honest I've found it really hard. I still do. The more and more I look to meet these challenges, these things I know are right, the harder I realise that it is.
I have been really feeling the weight of these challenges and so really thinking about how much easier giving it all up is. I mean, I don't want to give it up, I want to strive on, but I do want to, because it would be so much easier (plus I'd get to go and do things my own morals restrict me from at the moment). This pressure to give up and leave it all is definitely mounting (prayer please). Some comfort I had today though was when I realised what that might imply.
For one thing it spoke to me of how when we start doing important things and really going for God and His Kingdom, Satan starts hounding us and making things very difficult and painful. So, since I feel somewhat hounded by all this and I'm finding it difficult, I draw encouragement from the fact that this shows how Satan is fighting against me. If he's doing that then I'm on to something good. Something big, something important, and something threatening to the kingdom of darkness. I must press on, I must overcome darkness with light.
The other thing I remembered was about refining fire. To purify gold takes a very hot fire and the removal of wrong things. I feel that my understanding and attitudes are being challenged. Tested by fire so to speak. And whilst this is difficult and in a sense painful, the fact, again, that it is happening suggests to me that good change is going on inside me. In which case bring it on. Hurt me more. Turn up the heat and get rid from me everything that is wrong. Purify me so that Your reflection can be seen in me.
Finally, I drew encouragement from a simple illustration I just experienced. I have been feeling that whilst all of this good change is starting to come about in me, the more I see things as how they could and should be, the more I see how very very very far from that they are. This seems so discouraging because the more I feel that I am being changed in these, I am convinced, incredibly good ways, the further I feel from being like the average Joe out there who doesn't know God. How am I supposed to connect with the next person on the street, let alone help them move from the understanding the kingdom of darkness would keep them in to that of God's kingdom?
I don't know the answer to that question and it would seem that the more I grow in these ways the further every one else seems and so much more insurmountable the task of helping them move appears. I really don't know what I am supposed to do. But I was encouraged because as I passed a body of water and gazed at the stillness of it, I felt compelled drop a stone into it. As I did so I watched the ripples move outward until the whole body of water was affected.
Now, although I don't know at all how to change the world or help others come to Jesus, I am convinced that as I seek God's refining in me, the changes He makes can have an affect that will ripple out to potentially everyone I encounter and more. I pray that God would raise up a generation who would go all out for God, counting the cost but reaping the reward for Him.
I have been really feeling the weight of these challenges and so really thinking about how much easier giving it all up is. I mean, I don't want to give it up, I want to strive on, but I do want to, because it would be so much easier (plus I'd get to go and do things my own morals restrict me from at the moment). This pressure to give up and leave it all is definitely mounting (prayer please). Some comfort I had today though was when I realised what that might imply.
For one thing it spoke to me of how when we start doing important things and really going for God and His Kingdom, Satan starts hounding us and making things very difficult and painful. So, since I feel somewhat hounded by all this and I'm finding it difficult, I draw encouragement from the fact that this shows how Satan is fighting against me. If he's doing that then I'm on to something good. Something big, something important, and something threatening to the kingdom of darkness. I must press on, I must overcome darkness with light.
The other thing I remembered was about refining fire. To purify gold takes a very hot fire and the removal of wrong things. I feel that my understanding and attitudes are being challenged. Tested by fire so to speak. And whilst this is difficult and in a sense painful, the fact, again, that it is happening suggests to me that good change is going on inside me. In which case bring it on. Hurt me more. Turn up the heat and get rid from me everything that is wrong. Purify me so that Your reflection can be seen in me.
Finally, I drew encouragement from a simple illustration I just experienced. I have been feeling that whilst all of this good change is starting to come about in me, the more I see things as how they could and should be, the more I see how very very very far from that they are. This seems so discouraging because the more I feel that I am being changed in these, I am convinced, incredibly good ways, the further I feel from being like the average Joe out there who doesn't know God. How am I supposed to connect with the next person on the street, let alone help them move from the understanding the kingdom of darkness would keep them in to that of God's kingdom?
I don't know the answer to that question and it would seem that the more I grow in these ways the further every one else seems and so much more insurmountable the task of helping them move appears. I really don't know what I am supposed to do. But I was encouraged because as I passed a body of water and gazed at the stillness of it, I felt compelled drop a stone into it. As I did so I watched the ripples move outward until the whole body of water was affected.
Now, although I don't know at all how to change the world or help others come to Jesus, I am convinced that as I seek God's refining in me, the changes He makes can have an affect that will ripple out to potentially everyone I encounter and more. I pray that God would raise up a generation who would go all out for God, counting the cost but reaping the reward for Him.
Rejection
So I think I've nailed something that I hadn't realised so much about myself. I've kind of realised again my pride. Definitely a sin I struggle with. There are times when I struggle with it directly - I have many moments of arrogance, even moments where I readily boast about myself to others - but mostly it is more subtle.
I'm a big advocate of positive self-image. Whilst I don't get to speak to guys about this so much, I find that so many of the girls I speak to have a negative self image. They usually hide it under make up, clothes, and what have you, but loads of girls I speak to think they are fat, ugly, useless, worthless, unlovable and worse. I really wish, I mean that, I really wish I could cure that in these girls. (This is a short aside) Because I'm so sick of the media presenting (and I'm assuming here that this is largely true for guys too) views that have led people to believe these things about themselves. People are beautiful, everyone is gifted and I know that everyone I have ever met is loved by those around them.
I like to think that I've managed to avoid this personally - I have a positive self image. I readily admit my faults, but I know that there are many people who love and care for me. I know where some of strengths lie (public speaking, guitar, theology, etc), I know that I'm a good friend, I think I'm pretty good looking. (Another short aside related to the first - the problem with me writing that is that I automatically appear vain, conceited, arrogant, etc for even having a positive self image, something else I hate about how we've been conditioned in our society).
But whilst I may have avoided this negative self image problem, I have become susceptible to the opposite. I can be proud.
But all of this is really a slight background to what I've been thinking. (I know, it's been an aside with asides in it). I may have a positive self image, but it's not well founded and it causes me big problems.
I know where the best place to build foundations for a positive self image are. They are in the knowledge that I am created in the image of God and deeply, deeply loved by Him. However, whilst I know this and try to build there, I think a lot of my foundations have been built on second grade groundwork. I have realised recently how much my positive self-image and self-worth, which is what this is actually about, are dependent on others.
To an extent that is good - get feedback from others, work together to improve at life, etc, etc - but it holds me back from some growth.
Let me relate it to what I spoke about in my last post. I am afraid to have difficult conversations with those I know, even when I know it's right and when I know I should. And I am afraid because of what could result. Speaking hard truths can lead to very difficult outcomes. For instance, if I speak to a friend about something, they may decide to stop being my friend. One person I know tends to completely stop talking to people who have upset them, to write them out of their life, so for me it would be a real challenge to speak to them about difficult topics because I fear that they might write me out of their life too.
This is all understandable on paper (and I assume you've kept up) but when it comes to real life application it becomes so much harder. And this is why it highlights issues for me.
I am really unprepared to speak to people becuase I don't want to offend them, I don't want to hurt them and I most definitely don't want them to hate me. I have this almost crippling fear of people rejecting me, and so I am too scared to speak to them about things that are important. And that is so sad. So upsetting.
I am so afraid of how people might react to me, and so scared of people potentially hating me, that I won't speak truth to them. Because the problem is truth can hurt.
It is so sad that I am afraid to tell people about Jesus, the best thing in the UNIVERSE, the BEST thing, because I am scared of how they might react to me. The best thing I can do for people is tell them about Jesus, help them to know Him, pray with them, speak truth to them and help them grow in truth and love, but I am afraid to do so because I risk them hating me.
So I need to destroy my pride. It needs to be taken out of me. It needs to go.
I need to realise this truth and let it change me. Because truth can hurt. But if people need truth then I need to give it to them, even if it means hurt.
We as Christians are called to be salt and light in the earth. Salt in a wound heals, but it also stings. Light when you've been in darkness shows you the way but also hurts your eyes. I want to heal people with truth and to show them the way, but it's likely to sting them and hurt.
In fact, this challenges me further, because if it doesn't sting then I'm probably not applying it properly or in large enough amounts. If it doesn't hurt then it's probably not bright enough. So if it doesn't hurt at all, then I'm probably not salt and light to people.
Not only should I be prepared to have people mad at me, upset, offended, hurt and even hating me, I should expect it. Expect it! And what's more I should probably be worried if they aren't. Worried if they aren't!
So that's another challenge for me (or at least an extenstion of that third one). And so my pride needs to go. I must be all about God, advancing His Kingdom and seeing His truth and love spread throughout the world. Whatever the implications are for me. He alone is most important.
I'm a big advocate of positive self-image. Whilst I don't get to speak to guys about this so much, I find that so many of the girls I speak to have a negative self image. They usually hide it under make up, clothes, and what have you, but loads of girls I speak to think they are fat, ugly, useless, worthless, unlovable and worse. I really wish, I mean that, I really wish I could cure that in these girls. (This is a short aside) Because I'm so sick of the media presenting (and I'm assuming here that this is largely true for guys too) views that have led people to believe these things about themselves. People are beautiful, everyone is gifted and I know that everyone I have ever met is loved by those around them.
I like to think that I've managed to avoid this personally - I have a positive self image. I readily admit my faults, but I know that there are many people who love and care for me. I know where some of strengths lie (public speaking, guitar, theology, etc), I know that I'm a good friend, I think I'm pretty good looking. (Another short aside related to the first - the problem with me writing that is that I automatically appear vain, conceited, arrogant, etc for even having a positive self image, something else I hate about how we've been conditioned in our society).
But whilst I may have avoided this negative self image problem, I have become susceptible to the opposite. I can be proud.
But all of this is really a slight background to what I've been thinking. (I know, it's been an aside with asides in it). I may have a positive self image, but it's not well founded and it causes me big problems.
I know where the best place to build foundations for a positive self image are. They are in the knowledge that I am created in the image of God and deeply, deeply loved by Him. However, whilst I know this and try to build there, I think a lot of my foundations have been built on second grade groundwork. I have realised recently how much my positive self-image and self-worth, which is what this is actually about, are dependent on others.
To an extent that is good - get feedback from others, work together to improve at life, etc, etc - but it holds me back from some growth.
Let me relate it to what I spoke about in my last post. I am afraid to have difficult conversations with those I know, even when I know it's right and when I know I should. And I am afraid because of what could result. Speaking hard truths can lead to very difficult outcomes. For instance, if I speak to a friend about something, they may decide to stop being my friend. One person I know tends to completely stop talking to people who have upset them, to write them out of their life, so for me it would be a real challenge to speak to them about difficult topics because I fear that they might write me out of their life too.
This is all understandable on paper (and I assume you've kept up) but when it comes to real life application it becomes so much harder. And this is why it highlights issues for me.
I am really unprepared to speak to people becuase I don't want to offend them, I don't want to hurt them and I most definitely don't want them to hate me. I have this almost crippling fear of people rejecting me, and so I am too scared to speak to them about things that are important. And that is so sad. So upsetting.
I am so afraid of how people might react to me, and so scared of people potentially hating me, that I won't speak truth to them. Because the problem is truth can hurt.
It is so sad that I am afraid to tell people about Jesus, the best thing in the UNIVERSE, the BEST thing, because I am scared of how they might react to me. The best thing I can do for people is tell them about Jesus, help them to know Him, pray with them, speak truth to them and help them grow in truth and love, but I am afraid to do so because I risk them hating me.
So I need to destroy my pride. It needs to be taken out of me. It needs to go.
I need to realise this truth and let it change me. Because truth can hurt. But if people need truth then I need to give it to them, even if it means hurt.
We as Christians are called to be salt and light in the earth. Salt in a wound heals, but it also stings. Light when you've been in darkness shows you the way but also hurts your eyes. I want to heal people with truth and to show them the way, but it's likely to sting them and hurt.
In fact, this challenges me further, because if it doesn't sting then I'm probably not applying it properly or in large enough amounts. If it doesn't hurt then it's probably not bright enough. So if it doesn't hurt at all, then I'm probably not salt and light to people.
Not only should I be prepared to have people mad at me, upset, offended, hurt and even hating me, I should expect it. Expect it! And what's more I should probably be worried if they aren't. Worried if they aren't!
So that's another challenge for me (or at least an extenstion of that third one). And so my pride needs to go. I must be all about God, advancing His Kingdom and seeing His truth and love spread throughout the world. Whatever the implications are for me. He alone is most important.
Thursday, 25 December 2008
Discernment
This is the word for me at the moment.
It's the word at the centre of a lot of my prayers.
I have felt more challenged by things in my walk with God in the past term than I think I ever have before. Cool, but weird and hard.
1)
Firstly, my outlook on money completely changed over the summer. I got this realisation that I am rich. So very rich. You know that half the world, Yes HALF the world, that's 3 billion people live on less than £1 a day. let me break that down for you. That £7 a week. £30ish a month. £365 a year. My rent is £275, my household bills another £75. That's £350. A month. A MONTH. Before luxuries (i.e. nights out, starbucks, cinema, etc.).
I spend in 1 month what HALF THE WORLD GETS IN A WHOLE YEAR.
I also have about £200 a month alloted to myself for direct debits and for my nights out, cinema, etc.
I spend more ON LUXURIES in 2 MONTHS than HALF THE WORLD GETS IN A WHOLE YEAR.
My attitude toward money has changed. Because what I've quoted for myself is my out goings since I have had this in mind. So far this year my tuition loan has obviously gone straight to the University, but I've managed to not touch my Maintenance loan. I get the full Maintenance Grant and the full University Bursary so this has gone towards that first set of bills I mentioned of mine. All my necessities are fortunately paid for by money that I don't have to pay back. That means that any money above that is luxury and on my back. So far I have used money from my birthday, earned from work over the summer and given to me by family for starting uni, and I have some paid work lined up for next year to sort outgoings then.
Basically I am really challenged to think about how much I get over here in the West, how much I take for granted and how much I waste.
I can't really explain any further than that, I think it is perhaps a God given compulsion, but I am challenged to be more and more faithful with what is given to me, and less and less selfish, since I have too much as it is.
Having written that I realise I risk sounding pious, like I'm trying to show how I'm better than everyone else. I don't think that at all. I don't think everyone else in the West is purposefully selfish as such. But I don't think we realise how blessed and fortunate we are, and this is something I have been struck with and challenged by recently, and I wanted to share that with you.
2)
This term I have also felt compelled to seek God for, chase God for, badger God for, demand God for more.
I spoke before about how I don't see Miracles, Healing, Words of Knowledge and so on in my life. I have felt really challenged to seek God for these. I have felt challenged to seek God more fully than I ever have and I feel that I need to see Him do these things or I need to leave Him. This has meant that I have been challenged to start seriously seeking Him in prayer, and to start trying to outwork it in my real life.
I have prayed with non-Christian friends of mine, which is hard to do. To stand up and ask them if I can pray for them. I haven't seen amazing miracles yet. I haven't knowingly encountered words of knowledge or prophecy yet. I haven't seen the healing that I have prayed for. But I know this is the right thing to be doing. I am constantly praying that God would do new things and I long to see it happen. And I believe that it will.
God has already used this though to grow things in me and develop me. It has taught me more about who He is, who I am and who I should be to those around me. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone, but taught me about putting the needs of others first and being a constant witness to my Lord and Saviour.
It is a challenge, but a challenge I take.
3)
The latest thing I have felt challenged about has been to do with speaking. I guess this kinda fits with words of knowledge and prophecy, or at least overlaps a bit. But mainly I feel challenged to talk to people about the important things in life and not back away from difficult topics.
This practically means tough conversations with individuals I know, conversations I'm yet to have as I seek to take on this challenge. I know that this is important because first of all it is what God wants of me. It is important because topics to be covered are important. And it is important because it deals with fundamental aspects of the respective relationships I have with different people. To speak truth into peoples lives can be tough, because a lot of things in life are tough.
To speak about it in a general way, whilst also using a real example, I need to be more prepared to talk directly with people about Jesus. I almost wrote "talk directly with people about my faith", but that makes this about me, and it is only about Him. This is a tough thing, because it is SO important that I speak with people about Jesus. NOTHING in the WHOLE OF LIFE is as important as JESUS and KNOWING HIM. I should not be afraid to back away from conversations about the most important thing to everyone in existence. But for whatever reason, I am.
So I am challenged to be prepared to talk to people about the important things, even if I think it could really challenge the relationship that I have with that person - whether I need to talk to them about their attitude towards others, about their behaviour, about their relationship with God or whatever.
So, I realise that's a lot. But that is where I am at, what is on my heart these days.
Discernment)
To take it back to discernment. This word is key for me at the moment, because it goes on top of everything I've spoken about so far.
I pray for discernment of my use of finances. How can I be most faithful with what I have. How I can I live less selfishly? How can I live more selflessly? How can I use what I have to benefit those around me? How can I use what I have to benefit those in the third world?
I pray for discernment of God's works of power. When should I offer to pray for someones healing? When should I look to God for miracles? How will I know if I have a word of knowledge? How will I know if I have a word of prophecy?
I pray for discernment in my relationships. What do I need to speak to people about? What should I say to them? When should I say it? How should I say it?
In all of these things I need discernment, so I seek God - give me discernment Lord. May I serve you with everything I have. May I serve you faithfully. May I serve you to the best of my ability. May I serve you to the best of your expectation. May your kingdom come.
It's the word at the centre of a lot of my prayers.
I have felt more challenged by things in my walk with God in the past term than I think I ever have before. Cool, but weird and hard.
1)
Firstly, my outlook on money completely changed over the summer. I got this realisation that I am rich. So very rich. You know that half the world, Yes HALF the world, that's 3 billion people live on less than £1 a day. let me break that down for you. That £7 a week. £30ish a month. £365 a year. My rent is £275, my household bills another £75. That's £350. A month. A MONTH. Before luxuries (i.e. nights out, starbucks, cinema, etc.).
I spend in 1 month what HALF THE WORLD GETS IN A WHOLE YEAR.
I also have about £200 a month alloted to myself for direct debits and for my nights out, cinema, etc.
I spend more ON LUXURIES in 2 MONTHS than HALF THE WORLD GETS IN A WHOLE YEAR.
My attitude toward money has changed. Because what I've quoted for myself is my out goings since I have had this in mind. So far this year my tuition loan has obviously gone straight to the University, but I've managed to not touch my Maintenance loan. I get the full Maintenance Grant and the full University Bursary so this has gone towards that first set of bills I mentioned of mine. All my necessities are fortunately paid for by money that I don't have to pay back. That means that any money above that is luxury and on my back. So far I have used money from my birthday, earned from work over the summer and given to me by family for starting uni, and I have some paid work lined up for next year to sort outgoings then.
Basically I am really challenged to think about how much I get over here in the West, how much I take for granted and how much I waste.
I can't really explain any further than that, I think it is perhaps a God given compulsion, but I am challenged to be more and more faithful with what is given to me, and less and less selfish, since I have too much as it is.
Having written that I realise I risk sounding pious, like I'm trying to show how I'm better than everyone else. I don't think that at all. I don't think everyone else in the West is purposefully selfish as such. But I don't think we realise how blessed and fortunate we are, and this is something I have been struck with and challenged by recently, and I wanted to share that with you.
2)
This term I have also felt compelled to seek God for, chase God for, badger God for, demand God for more.
I spoke before about how I don't see Miracles, Healing, Words of Knowledge and so on in my life. I have felt really challenged to seek God for these. I have felt challenged to seek God more fully than I ever have and I feel that I need to see Him do these things or I need to leave Him. This has meant that I have been challenged to start seriously seeking Him in prayer, and to start trying to outwork it in my real life.
I have prayed with non-Christian friends of mine, which is hard to do. To stand up and ask them if I can pray for them. I haven't seen amazing miracles yet. I haven't knowingly encountered words of knowledge or prophecy yet. I haven't seen the healing that I have prayed for. But I know this is the right thing to be doing. I am constantly praying that God would do new things and I long to see it happen. And I believe that it will.
God has already used this though to grow things in me and develop me. It has taught me more about who He is, who I am and who I should be to those around me. It has pushed me out of my comfort zone, but taught me about putting the needs of others first and being a constant witness to my Lord and Saviour.
It is a challenge, but a challenge I take.
3)
The latest thing I have felt challenged about has been to do with speaking. I guess this kinda fits with words of knowledge and prophecy, or at least overlaps a bit. But mainly I feel challenged to talk to people about the important things in life and not back away from difficult topics.
This practically means tough conversations with individuals I know, conversations I'm yet to have as I seek to take on this challenge. I know that this is important because first of all it is what God wants of me. It is important because topics to be covered are important. And it is important because it deals with fundamental aspects of the respective relationships I have with different people. To speak truth into peoples lives can be tough, because a lot of things in life are tough.
To speak about it in a general way, whilst also using a real example, I need to be more prepared to talk directly with people about Jesus. I almost wrote "talk directly with people about my faith", but that makes this about me, and it is only about Him. This is a tough thing, because it is SO important that I speak with people about Jesus. NOTHING in the WHOLE OF LIFE is as important as JESUS and KNOWING HIM. I should not be afraid to back away from conversations about the most important thing to everyone in existence. But for whatever reason, I am.
So I am challenged to be prepared to talk to people about the important things, even if I think it could really challenge the relationship that I have with that person - whether I need to talk to them about their attitude towards others, about their behaviour, about their relationship with God or whatever.
So, I realise that's a lot. But that is where I am at, what is on my heart these days.
Discernment)
To take it back to discernment. This word is key for me at the moment, because it goes on top of everything I've spoken about so far.
I pray for discernment of my use of finances. How can I be most faithful with what I have. How I can I live less selfishly? How can I live more selflessly? How can I use what I have to benefit those around me? How can I use what I have to benefit those in the third world?
I pray for discernment of God's works of power. When should I offer to pray for someones healing? When should I look to God for miracles? How will I know if I have a word of knowledge? How will I know if I have a word of prophecy?
I pray for discernment in my relationships. What do I need to speak to people about? What should I say to them? When should I say it? How should I say it?
In all of these things I need discernment, so I seek God - give me discernment Lord. May I serve you with everything I have. May I serve you faithfully. May I serve you to the best of my ability. May I serve you to the best of your expectation. May your kingdom come.
Where I am
Expect this.
There will probably be big gaps in my blog as it goes along. There is between the last one I posted and this one. I only really want to post when I really feel that I have stuff to talk about, rather than talk for the sake of talking.
Today is Christmas - and I wish it was more.
That's not me saying I wish I had gotten more, eaten more, done more - in fact, I've had a great day - I've done a fair few things, I've eaten too much, and I definitely own too much.
It's not to say that Christmas doesn't feel like it did as a kid. It doesn't, but that's expected.
What I mean is that it is really hard to find Christmas these days. Really hard. And I get that that must sound weird - each year we have all this advertising Christmas, in shops, decorations in the streets, our houses and so on so that we can't miss it. We even have all those people who go on about the real meaning of Christmas - all those films that talk about love, or family, or giving. Occasionally we get the people who get even closer and talk a bit about Jesus. But even still, I don't think we find Christmas.
If I'm totally honest, knowledge of God, His grace and His favour have not been at the centre of my day. And I even went to church for the Christmas service this morning (and midnight mass last night for that matter).
Christmas is about a lot of things, I'll give you that.
These days it is about gifts, it is about decorations, it is about giving, it is about receiving, it is about family, it is about love. But at the centre it is about Jesus.
It is about his birth, it is about the shepherds, it is about the manger. But at the centre it is about God, coming to earth for you.
The problem I'm having now is that that is one of the messages we hear at Christmas. Repeated parrot fashion. We know it. We think we do anyway.
But stop. Stop there. Think. God came to earth for you. Jesus was born for YOU. Stop for a minute and think about that. Go on, right now, stop, think about it, come back to this blog when you've thought about it for a bit. God came for you. Go and think about that. Go on.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's big.
This year, may you realise the significance of Christmas, really realise it.
Because my words can never do that justice. I pray you encounter the significance of that realisation and that you encounter Jesus for yourself. He is all you need.
There will probably be big gaps in my blog as it goes along. There is between the last one I posted and this one. I only really want to post when I really feel that I have stuff to talk about, rather than talk for the sake of talking.
Today is Christmas - and I wish it was more.
That's not me saying I wish I had gotten more, eaten more, done more - in fact, I've had a great day - I've done a fair few things, I've eaten too much, and I definitely own too much.
It's not to say that Christmas doesn't feel like it did as a kid. It doesn't, but that's expected.
What I mean is that it is really hard to find Christmas these days. Really hard. And I get that that must sound weird - each year we have all this advertising Christmas, in shops, decorations in the streets, our houses and so on so that we can't miss it. We even have all those people who go on about the real meaning of Christmas - all those films that talk about love, or family, or giving. Occasionally we get the people who get even closer and talk a bit about Jesus. But even still, I don't think we find Christmas.
If I'm totally honest, knowledge of God, His grace and His favour have not been at the centre of my day. And I even went to church for the Christmas service this morning (and midnight mass last night for that matter).
Christmas is about a lot of things, I'll give you that.
These days it is about gifts, it is about decorations, it is about giving, it is about receiving, it is about family, it is about love. But at the centre it is about Jesus.
It is about his birth, it is about the shepherds, it is about the manger. But at the centre it is about God, coming to earth for you.
The problem I'm having now is that that is one of the messages we hear at Christmas. Repeated parrot fashion. We know it. We think we do anyway.
But stop. Stop there. Think. God came to earth for you. Jesus was born for YOU. Stop for a minute and think about that. Go on, right now, stop, think about it, come back to this blog when you've thought about it for a bit. God came for you. Go and think about that. Go on.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's big.
This year, may you realise the significance of Christmas, really realise it.
Because my words can never do that justice. I pray you encounter the significance of that realisation and that you encounter Jesus for yourself. He is all you need.
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